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Sunday 9 August 2009

A Decree from Mandy (courtesey of Private Eye)

From Private Eye No 1242: 7-20 August 2009

Prime Ministerial Decree No 50

From the Blackberry of the Rt Hon Lord Mandelson of Where You Live,
Supreme First Secretary and Supreme Deputy Supreme Leader,
Commisasar for Business, Industry and Everything Else

[for full list of Comrade Lord Mandelson's titles, see http://www.berr.gov.uk/aboutus/ministerialteam/page48296.html]

Comrades,

In the absence of the Supreme Leader on the well-earned recreational break which advised him to take in light of his understandable stress-induced emotional and mental instability, it falls to me to address you all on the latest achievements of the Party.

As Party officials and members of the Politburo head for their dachas for the annual summer rest and recuperation period, it is my task to remind you all of the many great leaps forward that the Party has made since the Supreme Leader had the wisdom to entrust me with the running of the country on behalf of you all, wherever you live (which, of course, I know).

These triumphs are as follow:

  • The economy: the recession ended and stability restored, with not more than 2 million jobs lost.
  • Swine flu: successfully contained.
  • Afghanistan: the major victory won by our heroic troops will shortly lead to historic peace talks with moderate members of the Taliban identified by Comrade Miliband.
  • Schools, hospitals: still there, despite attempt by Cameronite-Govist saboteurs to close them down.
  • Elimination of corrupt practices by some workers' representatives in the Supreme Soviet: no sooner was it brought to my attention that parasitical elements had been exploiting the parliamentary allowances system that we acted decisively to ensure that such practices would no longer be tolerated and be replaced with a scheme with a different name, the SCAM (Supreme Consolidated Allowance Mechanism).
  • Low-carbon economy: millions of "green" jobs are on the way to being created by the new People's Electric Car, powered by thousands of windfarms built by Comrades from overseas, in their desire to see the British economy placed on a fully-sustainable footing.
  • Climate change: the menace of global warming is already in rapid retreat, as the pleasantly cool and wet summer shows the earth's climate responding to the measures we have already taken.

On the basis of this magnificent record, I am proposing the introduction at the next election of televised "debates" between the Supreme Leader and the so-called leader of the reactionary Bullingdonian-Toryist claque, Comrade Cameron, assuming of course that the neo-elitist Etonian Twattite Twitterist Cameron is prepared to face public humiliation by participating in such a debate.

Of course, it may be that the Supreme Leader himself is too modest to wish to take part in such a trifling exercise, and may wish to appoint in his place a popular, immensely capable, witty, charming, suave debater who will do the job rather more effectively than him.

Do Comrades have any idea who such a man might be?

PM (pp. GB)

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article6788735.ece

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